In a new series of columns, our angry antipodean John Aussie surveys the often mad world of rugby and vents his fury. This week – who names these teams anyway?
Australian Rugby like Welsh Rugby is pretty poor, and before all you Welsh start jumping up and down saying we won the Six Nations twice in a row, well you can’t beat Australia so you’re under-achievers. But why are we both so lame? The answer is obvious: it comes down to the names of our teams. Let’s look at the evidence: Super Rugby and the European competitions are graced with the following (I’ve helpfully provided translations):
NSW Waratahs – A flower that is hardly ever seen (much like a win for this lot).
Western Force – A Perth-based fart.
Melbourne Rebels – A bunch of uneducated Bogans (surprised Cipriani didn’t fit in).
Queensland Reds – Only show up once a month.
At this point, I’ll hold my hands up: The ACT Brumbies have got a decent name. Brumbies are wild horses so we’re getting closer to something a bit frightening. The Brumbies also win. The theory stands. Now let’s look at the Welsh teams. Out of the four, two of them don’t want to be found, hence dropping their locations from the title:
The Ospreys – A team of players forever leaving the nest.
The Scarlets – Read Queensland Reds. If they ever play against each other their performance cycles will sync.
Cardiff Blues – Like most of Cardiff, always play under a depressing cloud.
Newport Gwent Dragons – The only side in world rugby to include their entire address in their name. And they’ve nicked the national side’s nickname. A Welsh ‘B’ team in more ways than one.
The only Welsh club with a half decent name went bankrupt: The Celtic Warriors (warriors being known for their fight rather than their financial skills).
So we need some new names, and the great thing about this is that both Wales and Australia can share these. We need names that would scare your opponents before you even got to the ground. When you hear the name ‘All Blacks’ you are worried well before kick-off. Here’s a few both countries could use:
The Mother-in Laws – This persistence of this team would be unquestioned. They just nag and nag away.
The Teenage daughters – Don’t you dare go near them!
The Dentists – Sends shivers down your spine just thinking about it
The Boozers – Known for their wandering runs and use of the King Hit.
If you need me, I’ll be in the sun with a tinnie.